Who knows Why?

By Tina

I am one of those “changelings”, MtF post-op transsexual, to be exact.

I had spent most of my life both denying and avoiding  —  no, no, no, that’s not REALLY me, THAT’S NOT ME!  —  NO!

As the defenses slowly fell.  As I found myself ready to repeat my dysfunctional relationship dance once again  —  it struck me  —  I was the only constant.  I was the one part of all the relationships that was the same.  It wasn’t the fault of any of my wives or girlfriends  —  it was me.

At that point I decided to end the dance, to sit out a tune or two (or three).

Soon afterward, all those repressed feelings began to surface  —  again.  Time after time, I’d attempted to hide  —  from myself, from others, from the world.

This idea I was born, somehow, wrong.  Born a mistake.  As a child I was sure I would grow up to be just like my girl cousins  —  they told me, again and again, I would not.  All the adults told me I was a boy.

Etc., etc., etc., etc.

When I finally began to accept myself  —  I looked for a reason.  There had to be a reason.  It just wasn’t logical, it didn’t make sense.

I looked for physical clues  —  how my body was formed, how I grew.  Clues from my youth  —  there just HAD to be a reason.  I’d never liked boys.  Though told I was sterile by Doctor after Doctor, I ended up having two kids.

I thought that odd.

Anyway, is spite of all that  —  I came out, transitioned, had SRS, and am over the need for a “rational” reason.

I think an awful lot of late transitioners end up looking for a REASON.  They want to know WHY?  WHY?  They were adult males who gave in to this need, this overwhelming drive  —  it often becomes “change or die”.

I think it takes time to reach a point where “why” no longer matters.  A point where it just IS.  A point where I’m actually happy to just be happy, to just be me.

If there is a reason  —  I leave that to others.  Let them agonize, do analysis, do their various tests.  I’m just happy that I’m at peace.  I’m happy my mind and body are in “synch”.

That’s enough.

2 Responses to “Who knows Why?”

  1. Willow Arune Says:

    Tina wrote…

    “I think it takes time to reach a point where “why” no longer matters. A point where it just IS. A point where I’m actually happy to just be happy, to just be me. If there is a reason — I leave that to others. Let them agonize, do analysis, do their various tests. I’m just happy that I’m at peace. I’m happy my mind and body are in “synch”.”

    I could not agree more.

    Isn’t it a shame that so much energy used and so many ugly things were done by those who “knew” the reason “why”. I am so glad that such antics have by and large ceased.

    Like you, I have a happy life now and care little about the “why”. I simply don’t have the time to waste…

  2. Andrea B. Says:

    Well said Tina.


Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: