I’m an Autodidact, I read a lot and I remember where I read certain things.
I also appreciate art, both images and words have power.
I looked at Playboy magazine as a teenager and was filled with the conflict of both envy and desire although perhaps my looking was not the “male gaze” expected of me as part of the weight of social expectations place upon me because of an ounce or two of flesh.
To gaze with the “male gaze” of lust is deemed normal based on the sex I was assigned to at birth.
I also looked at fashion magazines, I still have a subscription to Vogue and when I fantasize my fantasies often involve being like a certain person (these days, younger and wealthier) living in certain surroundings.
A number of years back I described my “Ikea furnished loft at The Brewery” and VW” fantasies.”
Growing up we are not supposed to have fantasies of actually being female. We are supposed to look uponthe bodies of girls/women with lust and not with envy and most specifically not with a mixture of both lusting for and wishing we were thisgirl/woman who is the object of our fantasies.
For those of us bornTS/HBS that is a forbidden fantasy. Now BBMZ & L will admit that those are fantasies that some of us feel but according to them the only acceptable fantasy is the heteronormative one of lusting for boys/men.
Okay… In the real world women born women often experience those two types of feelings. Where BB etc get weird is how they write those common fantasies into the language of perversion.
Now as I said I read a lot.I used to buy virtually any book that I saw regarding us. I know, I know that admission opens me to criticism but following the literature is a dirty job and someone has to do it, so who better than someone with an interest in history.
Anyhow, in Riki Wilchins book “Read My Lips” pg. 43:
Rewind…. Eight-grade math. class. I cannot hear what the teacher is saying. In fact, I don’t care what she is saying. I am totally mesermized by the sight of Dara Rosen’s new young breast disappearing into the cup of her young bra, something I can just barely see as she sits across from me in her sleeveless dress. Worse, I am torn between wanting desperately to touch that soft breast and wanting desperately to have that breast.
Now you and I both know that the disreputable gang of bigot thugs BB &L and various shady characters get their rocks off fantasizing about labeling that AGP or some other perversion they can publish a journal article about.
I subscribe to Bitch Magazine. A few years ago they put out an anthology of articles taken from their first ten years. It’ is titled “Bitchfest” and it is worth buying if only for this one article although there are many others.
The article is, “Envy, a Love Story” by Anna Mills. It is about the same thing Riki is talking about. Except if the person experiencing these conflicts has all the weight of the social expectations assigned at birth to those with pussies instead of dicks then it is normal.
Pg 186-7 “It follows that mainstream American culture expects women to be rivaled by each other’s beauty. Straight women are often acutely aware of and affected by each other’s clothes, jewelry, makeup, and body sze. Women are notoriously–stereotypically–competitive and jealous of each other’s looks. The cliche that women don’t dress for men, they dress for other women, passes without comment. But no one bothers to ask if sexual attraction has anything to do with it–not even feminists. we should. How can the sensual, the erotic, and the sexual not be woven into those complex and intense emotions that women feel when they compare themselves to each other? How can women’s intense interest in other women be totally divorced from sexuality?”
Hollywood 1975. I have modeled and I do photography. I started hanging out with artists and I get invitations to go to openings. Free food, free drinks and often quaaludes and coke. I’m friends with a woman, whose husband works in the movies. She asked me if I’d like to go to lunch and shopping with her. She is 3-4 months pregnant and her boobs have gotten huge. She needs new clothes and wants me to go with her. We hit Beverly Hills and Sunset Blvd. She tells me she wants to go to Fredricks and get something sexy and sleezy.
She grabs a bunch of bras and we go in the changing room and she starts trying them on. She then tells me that she is so turned on she has to masturbate and will I watch the door.
Over dinner I tell her that I feel all guilty if some clothes turn me on. She thinks I’m crazy and says of course some clothes are a turn on and if they weren’t women wouldn’t spend a lot of money to buy them….
When straight men define female sexuality they consider anything that doesn’t involve them to be perverse.