I am one of those “changelings”, MtF post-op transsexual, to be exact.
I had spent most of my life both denying and avoiding – no, no, no, that’s not REALLY me, THAT’S NOT ME! – NO!
As the defenses slowly fell. As I found myself ready to repeat my dysfunctional relationship dance once again – it struck me – I was the only constant. I was the one part of all the relationships that was the same. It wasn’t the fault of any of my wives or girlfriends – it was me.
At that point I decided to end the dance, to sit out a tune or two (or three).
Soon afterward, all those repressed feelings began to surface – again. Time after time, I’d attempted to hide — from myself, from others, from the world.
This idea I was born, somehow, wrong. Born a mistake. As a child I was sure I would grow up to be just like my girl cousins – they told me, again and again, I would not. All the adults told me I was a boy.
Etc., etc., etc., etc.
When I finally began to accept myself – I looked for a reason. There had to be a reason. It just wasn’t logical, it didn’t make sense.
I looked for physical clues – how my body was formed, how I grew. Clues from my youth – there just HAD to be a reason. I’d never liked boys. Though told I was sterile by Doctor after Doctor, I ended up having two kids.
I thought that odd.
Anyway, is spite of all that – I came out, transitioned, had SRS, and am over the need for a “rational” reason.
I think an awful lot of late transitioners end up looking for a REASON. They want to know WHY? WHY? They were adult males who gave in to this need, this overwhelming drive – it often becomes “change or die”.
I think it takes time to reach a point where “why” no longer matters. A point where it just IS. A point where I’m actually happy to just be happy, to just be me.
If there is a reason – I leave that to others. Let them agonize, do analysis, do their various tests. I’m just happy that I’m at peace. I’m happy my mind and body are in “synch”.